The definitive guide to London, Ontario malls
I grew up in London, Ontario, which is truly one of the worst places ever. It’s referred to as “the littlest big city” or some other trite euphemism that just means it has a lot of people and a lot of mediocre amenities. Seriously, find someone who disagrees with me. I dare you. The only person who would is an Oakville expat who knows Oakville is a truly terrible white-washed suburban hellscape. Londoners can only make fun of Oakville.
One thing London is absolutely dripping in is malls. And not just any malls, but real, subpar-style malls inefficiently spread over its vast barren landscape so it takes multiple years to drive between even just two of them.
Note: I live in New York now, so I understand inefficient and mind-numbingly terrible commuting.
Inspired by an unearthed relic of an epic conversation fellow disgruntled Londoner Michael Stewart and I had several years ago about London malls, I have written for you, dear Michael and others, the definitive guide to the London malls of my youth.
Sherwood Forest Mall:
You went here because you grew up [in scary voice] behind the aquatic centre. on/near Limberlost and Lawson Roads. inside Wilfrid Jury Public School and Banting High School.
A whopping 51 stores, most of them closed, you only went here to go to the library and then A&P with your mom or to pizza pizza at lunchtime — a 20-minute speed walk from WJPS that would get you back just before the bell toned or an exciting reprieve from the nearby gas station McDonalds that was well worth it.
Masonville Mall:
You went here because you convinced yourself this faux chic mall was the best mall in London because it had a Cinnabon, SilverCity, indoor mini-golf course, and a Bikini Village for your mom. You spent hours trying on glitter pastel-tint lip cremes at claires, buying cool problematic Chinese fish shirts at Urban Planet, and sneaking mmmkernels in to the movies.
Apparently it has a lot of good stuff now, but it still has a Jean Machine and Le Chateau, so I rest my case.
White Oaks:
“One of two decent malls in London,” you went here if you were feeling spendy and wanted to make the nine-hour trek or if you were already bougie and liked that the open concept and skylight ceilings blinded you to the rampant capitalism that nixed the long-standing independent stores.
Also, it too had a Cinnabon.
London Mall:
“This place needs a renovation. Lots of unused retail space. No one really walks around inside the actual mall.” “Not much in here. Last time i was here the one entrance was closed and glass shards were all around. Chinese market has some great deals.”
You went here if you wanted to see a literal physical metaphor for London.
Oakridge Mall:
You went here if you went to STA or Oakridge because it had a pizza pizza and a Beer Store where you could try to convince creepy dudes to boot for you or you drove three hours to get here because it had Loblaws, which was soon rendered unimportant after a Loblaws opened up across the street from Masonville Mall.
Argyle Mall:
You went here after a hockey game with your team because it had an East Side Marios and was literally across the street from Argyle Arena.
Westmount:
You went here because it had an Eaton’s. You stopped going here after Eaton’s turned into Sears, Sears turned into Target then closed, then partial demolition from a government-approved kidney dialysis centre (no complaints) forced out most stores and workers (complaints) and left no stores.
Apparently now there’s a movie theatre that serves booze which seems a touch insensitive (re: dick-ish) given the proximity of the dialysis centre.
Cherryhill/Westown Plaza
You went here with your grandparents because it had a bulk barn and you were about to stock up on peanut butter logs like a boss.
Got malls? Tell me about them here or on twitter where I will no doubt endlessly promote this beLondocause I am hungry for attention and approval.
Shouts out to Vintage London, Ontario facebook page and The “Unofficial” Oak Ridge Mall homepage for the research help.
