How to find the best shark movies since Jaws: Part Deux
From the shockingly unwatchable to ridiculously good, the Sharkometer series dissects every shark movie according to the GOAT Jaws.
Hello all! Things have been…bad. Real bad. The city where I live is currently being ravaged by COVID-19 because of ineffectual (and dipshit) leaders, people continue to be terrible en masse and to top it off my adult acne is back with a vengeance. But, we persevere: it’s time for a second Sharkometer shark movie roundup.
If you’re new here, welcome! It’s nice to have found you through the chaotic tubes of the interweb. To get you up to speed: the Sharkometer series discusses shark movies according to my homemade Jaws rubric and my general thoughts and feelings (and tangents). We’ve now hit the arbitrary threshold of 7 shark movies so it’s time to reflect.
Let’s dive into the real mixed bag of movies this time that almost broke my brain. There was… a lot of garbage. Let’s do this!
Sharktopus
Oof! I did not like this movie!! At all!!! But I really wanted to! I love Roger Corman’s approach to movie making and his general joy for movies. But… this movie really didn’t seem to capture that. It felt so stale and stagnant and lacked that special magic that can mark a Corman-produced movie. The best part was the DIY rubber tentacles in the water and not much else. When people tell you this is a great shark movie, do not believe them.
Best tangent: What happened to the beautiful failures?
Blue Demon
If someone threatens to gouge your eyes out unless you watch this movie: let them stab you. This is hands down the worst shark movie I have ever seen and I will not rest until someone answers for it (re: I have not tried contacting anyone). Weirdly, this is actually the blog I’m most proud of. Blue Demon may offer nothing on screen, but it does offer a unique gateway into why bad shark movies keep getting made and watched.
Best tangent: The evolution of the shark movie
Deep Blue Sea 2
This is a movie and blog I return to often: mining the movie, tweaking sentences, starting into the abyss. I can now definitively say I’ve come down on the side of liking this movie. I know! But it has stuff! And it’s more interesting and intentional than most shark movies out there. So, deal with it. It is probably better as a standalone shark movie than a sequel to Deep Blue Sea, but it does deepen the story of Deep Blue Sea and provide a bridge to its final conclusion, so again I say, it’s got some stuff. Give it a chance!
Best tangent: The history of the movie sequel
Red Water
This TV movie will always hold a special place in my heart that should probably instead be reserved for my anniversary or eating vegetables. It was there for us when it felt like no other shark movies were and it gave us something to hold on to. That said, is this really a shark movie or is it a quasi-environmental movie about oil drilling and gangsters? Jury’s still out.
Best tangent: What makes a shark movie?
Shark Night 3D
Boy, did I want to love this movie! It seemed primed to be good: GREAT animatronics (when used), a batshit plot (Shark Week Fetish Films?!?) and decently charming actors. But, shark cage scene and hammerhead attack scene aside (and not even that far aside), this movie falls way short and generally just feels off. Maybe it’s too many plots? Too many characters? Too many sharks? I feel like a good solid edit could have really helped.
Best tangent: The limits of fear
Santa Jaws
Santa Jaws is inextricably linked to seasonal depression for me, which is not shade. I was going through a few things during the time I watched this movie and…it made me feel better. I will always love it for that. Trying to cleave my emotionality from the movie, I think it is a pretty good shark movie, bad CGI and low-budget included! The plot makes sense and is interesting, the main actors are great, it skewed fun but was directed straight. It’s all good! You should watch.
Best tangent: Embracing joy to resist the darkness
Bait 3D
The conflict between the marketing of this movie and its actual content is really annoying. This movie is not a full blown campy sharks in the supermarket movie, it’s more a moralistic thriller that is dark and gritty. I found the shifting tone hard to follow and just wish they would have let the director make his weird shark movie without the wink so we could have another entry in the Crawl/The Shallows-style canon. I would rate this movie as okay!
Best tangent: What is a campy B movie?
What’s Next for The Sharkometer?
Well, we’re going to keep going obviously! But I’m actually going to take a brief pause from shark movies and dip into the world of other creature features. Stay tuned for more fun and remember: you have 14 other shark movie blogs to read so get crackin’.
As always, get at me on twitter where I’m happy to talk sharks and that’s mostly it. Stay weird everybody!
