An ode to Canadian snacks
Canada day is here and it’s nothing to celebrate. It’s a beer-soaked holiday steeped in colonialism and misguided patriotism. Also, I don’t get the day off.
As a Canadian living in the U.S. I balance reining in Canadian smugness (guys, it’s not a good look) and dispelling myths that Canada is some utopia or safe haven — it is mostly definitely not and never has been — with being proud of a nation that has shaped me immeasurably.
People must know that Canada illegally indefinitely detains immigrants, and bought an oil pipeline with federal money, and condoned the murder of Indigenous women and girls and boys. And people must also know who of their beloveds is actually Canadian and why our snacks are superior.
In that vein, I’ve compiled an incomplete list of Canadian* snacks and their Canadian human equivalents, both good and bad, to celebrate the multifaceted crapshoot that is our nation. #Canada151 #stillfake
Snack Time!
Eat-more
A flavourless grainy bar, masquerading as a chocolate bar, that stretches and bends in the direction of those who eat it. Eat more is trash.
Canadian human equivalent: Justin Trudeau
Hickory sticks
Evoking the rustic embrace of a smokey, warm campfire, hickory sticks are shovelled into your mouth handfuls at a time. A damn snack and a half.
Canadian human equivalent: Keanu Reeves
Crunchie
Simply the best. The hero. The MVP. The greatest candy bar of all time don’t @ me. Oh and wrapped in goooooooooooold.
Canadian human equivalent: 2002 Canadian women’s hockey team
Glosette peanuts
Retro, yet so fresh and delicious, you forget how good they are. These shiny morsels are great eaten in large handfuls or savoured one at a time.
Canadian human equivalent: Northern Touch All-Stars
Cott’s Black Cherry Soda
The staple drink chosen for you by your Quebecois server when eating a smoked meat sandwich— “black cherries ya?” — because it’s just what you do and you should like it. A wonderfully sweet drink best enjoyed in la belle province.
Canadian human equivalent: Celine fucking Dion
Cherry blossom candy
An utter disappointment when you discovered that at your aunt’s house “candy” meant this sugar-coated abomination, history’s greatest monster.
Canadian human equivalent: John A. Macdonald
Peanut butter logs from bulk barrel
An utter joy when you arrived at your aunt’s house and feasted your eyes on the “special treat” she just picked up, a triumph everyone loves.
Canadian human equivalent: Michael J. Fox
All dressed chips
A savoury testament to Canadian ingenuity and an enduring symbol of national pride; eating these conjure the feelings of nostalgia and home.
Canadian human equivalent: Heritage Minutes’ dramatization of Dr. Wilder Penfield
Skor bar
The candy bar your mom always liked and would select when you made her stop off at the hasty market on the way home. It’s not technically Canadian, but we’ve adopted it as such.
“Canadian” human equivalent: Joe Carter
Smarties
Overrated, with a totally false sense of popularity. Also, the natural flavour dyes leave a strange taste in your mouth after consuming.
Canadian human equivalent: Don Cherry
Coffee Crisp
A pure joy and damn pleasurable treat that everyone loves. Sweet with an edge, its smooth, bold qualities are appreciated more and more as you age.
Canadian human equivalent: Sandra Oh
Rockets
Bland, pasty pale discs begrudgingly accepted during halloween (and subsequently used by most as pretend pills held in black film canisters) — decidedly the most-hated candy ever.
Canadian human equivalent: Nickelback
Hawkins cheezies
A classic standby. They maybe never blew your socks off but dammit if those cheesy, supremely Canadian, slightly stale puffs weren’t utterly enjoyable.
Canadian human equivalent: Rick the Temp
Crispy Crunch
Iconic. Sweetness perfectly balanced with saltiness. A staple you go back to again and again.
Canadian human equivalent: Amanda and Busy from Ready or Not
Mr. Big. Cherry blasters. Aero. Caramilk. Ketchup chips. And oh so many more. The list goes on and on.
Happy Canada Day to you, I guess — enjoy the day with your friends and/or family and eat some damn snacks.
*I know a few of these are available in other places, mainly the U.K. But most are not available in the U.S. so there. Dial it down, k?
